Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Locus of Control (Updated 8/15/05)

After making plans to meet up with a friend, I make my way over to a part of town that I've never been. The directions seemed easy enough. I approached the road to turn on and waited at the red light. The traffic lights full cycle around me though my light did not change. I shrug, pull up a bit to maybe trip the sensors, and I continue to wait. By now there were several cars behind me. Another cycle through and my light still didn't change. Now I'm frustrated, the cars behind me are honking, yelling and waiving at me to go.

What the hell do I do? I can't run a red light! But at that moment the intersection cleared. Maybe it's a stop and go when it's clear kind of a red arrow light? I have no idea. So I throtle it through and nearly cause a major pile up, not to mention three cops were close by and they pull me over with a predjudice!

I explain what happened and apologized for my stupidity. The officers first question? ... "How long you gonna be stayin' in Boise?" Yeah, I know "out-of-towners go home!" is what he was really thinking. And I was thinking right back at him "I don't really like this *&%# town so much right now either, but thanks very much for your encouragement!"

Our successes and failures; good and bad experiences, in life are the seeds of growth. How we perceive them and what we do with them shape who we are. What portion of those are we responsible for "creating" through our own choices, perceptions and beliefs? What is left to fate, chance, and external forces?

A Locus of Control is the perceived source of control over our life experiences. People with internal locus of control believe that they control their own destiny, convinced that their own choices, skill, ability and efforts determine the bulk of their life experiences. In contrast, people with external locus of control believe that their lives are determined mainly by sources outside themselves - fate, chance, luck or the choices and actions of others.

I could blame the city for faulty lights, blame Boise natives for yelling and honking ... And I did! And though I can't control any of that, It made me feel better to pin the blame. Although, it really made no sense to dwell in that blame as I did for the remainder of the day. Ultimately, regardless of the pressure and new surroundings I'm in, I made the choice to turn against the light and I suffered consequences for that choice.

The movie 28 days with Vigo Mortonsen of Lord of the Rings fame, made a powerful impression on me. Vigo plays a major league pitcher in rehab for an addiction and in one scene he's teaching Sandra Bullock how to pitch. He said in part "You can control the way you stand, your grip on the ball, the motion of your arm; but once you let go of the ball you have no more control. You can't worry about what happens down there. You can only worry about what you can control right here. "

We could eventually atribute our bad experiences in life to a decision that we've made at some point. However, better decisions in our lives wouldn't nececarily lead to less blame of external forces.

This makes it difficult to define a healthy locus of control. It would be different for everyone. Though a balance between accepting your share of responsibility for your successes, because they are yours, you've earned them, while giving credit to external forces where credit is due; and accepting your share of responsibility for your failures while withholding blame against objects or people that we can't control ... may seem to be the path of a quality life, although the quality of life is not measured by how things seem; It's measured by how much we grow as individuals.

Vigo taught me that we have to maintain control within ourselves while letting go of the blame on fate and external events; those things that we can't control, regardless of the pressures of those forces. Our decisions and perceptions ultimately do create our experiences. A healthy locus of control then, is the fertilizer that nourish those seeds of growth.

"You live, you learn" Alanis Morisette

That is how I see the world; how do you see it.

Friday, August 27, 2004

Spectator Traffic

So, being the small town hick that I am, now living in the big city of Boise, I'm amazed at the difference in culture that a measly 300 miles makes. Culture and attitudes are both very different here. My first notable experience here, aside from Millty's name calling (Maybe I am a Bronco lover ya Vandal brat. *grin*), I was cruising around getting to know the place a bit, taking note of landmarks to help me find my way. I turned on the radio to find my new favorite stations. As I listened to a good one they would cut away quite often to do traffic reports; something that Idaho Falls obviously never needed. During the traffic report, the DJ casually mentioned that on the "flying Y"; the I-84 connector, there was some "Spectator Traffic" that had things backed up for about a mile and to expect a 5 to 10 minute delay.

What the hell is "Spectator Traffic?"

I catch the next on ramp to the I-84 connector to go out and, well ... spectate. As I approached, a car was off on the side shoulder; just one car mind you. As I came closer to the start of the string of cars I had a great look at what the trouble was. The guy was changing his tire!! That's it! Changing a tire! Apparently people are in the hopes of seeing severed limbs and body parts or something scattered on the road because they were all slowing down to gawk. That was all it took to back traffic up for nearly a mile and it wasn't even a rush hour time.

Later that day I visited the college, then drove from there down town. Now I am a people watcher and I know that sometimes it borders on staring. I'm also very interested in taking in my surroundings, and so there I was doing just that, people watching, taking in the surroundings, making note of new businesses that I hadn't heard of, taking note of landmarks and parks I'd like to go to. I soon realized, with the help of a horn honking, that I had a string of cars backed up behind me. I suddenly became aware that I had become the cause of ... "Spectator Traffic!"

These events started the wheels turning. I began to ponder some powerful questions.

Do we get so caught up in other peoples "Spectator Traffic" that we can't get to where we want to be in our lives? Do other people hold us up/back because we are in line behind their wants or desires?

I once read a quote, I believe it was by Anthony Robbins though I could be mistaken, that "We either make our own life plan, or we become part of someone else's plan."

Now, starting school again at the age of 34 I wonder if I sat around on my arse too long watching other people succeed while I struggle, in a sense becoming part of their plan. It's obvious that that is the case. Though I made the choice to start a family and that became my life. School wasn't an option at that point. But as a parent that young you get caught up in "Spectator Traffic." You end up stuck, not being able to move forward and not being able to go back. At that point all you can do is ... spectate.

So, now I'm starting to see and experience a world that I've never known. A large city, opportunities I've never been exposed to, and education at a university, a chance to improve my life and actually choose a career instead of taking what is available with my current qualifications, and even an opportunity to create friendships with people from different cultures whether they are from other states or other countries. In my very first class, a beautiful young woman entered and spoke in an amazingly beautiful accent. Later she revealed that she was from Russia. That just amazes me. It's rare to meet someone like that in a small town. It's exiting.

On the other hand, do we tend to be so in awe, so amazed by new surroundings that we create "Spectator Traffic" in our lives? Could we be so busy gawking at the world around us that we can't see what could lie ahead of us? And in so doing, are we the cause of "Spectator Traffic" that holds up someone else from getting what they want out of life?

"What lies behind us, and what lies ahead of us, are little matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

There is a fine line to living in the here and now and at the same time keeping a focus on where you want to be. Nothing great was ever built without a plan, and though some great places were found without a map, knowing where you're going to explore is a key to finding something ... maybe the key to finding success?

That's how I see it; how do you see the world?

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Internet withdrawals

Hey everyone!

I've been gone a while; embracing my fears like a boa! Actually I've been more like it's prey.

I've been here in Boise, ID for almost three weeks. (Boise is four hours away from my home in Idaho Falls, literally clear across the state.)

As most of you know from my ramblings here and on Perceptual Enema that I've been deathly afraid to give up my job, sell my home, and enroll in a university to enhance my life. Silly notions. After all ... What could possibly go wrong?

Enter Murphy's Law! *grin*

Considering that Direct TV welcomed me to the company, showed me where I'd be working and filed the employment paperwork, I felt comfortable about things. Though things fell through and I didn't have the job after all.

Isn't that ironic, don't ya think?

Out of a job with less than $100 to my name, in a strange city, and wondering how I'd help pay for a place to live. They say that necessity is the mother of invention ... I suppose then that panic is the father of self reinvention.

I called the Circuit City store here and prayed they'd have something open. They did! My job! The guy doing it had just left a few days earlier. "isn't it ironic how life has a way of helping you out?"

So, luckily, though I'd officially been done working for CC for five days, I was still in the system as an employee and I was able to transfer, keeping my $10 an hour and my product discounts!

Secondly, I've been without the internet for these grueling past few weeks. No email and no Perception Chronicles makes Mel a dull boy.

And now ... Here I am in the center of the Boise State Campus; finding out that I'm the oldest teenager on the campus ... That's kinda cool; Taking a break from my self-guided tour. I was able to get a peek at the Bronco football stadium ... Blue turf instead of green! That's very cool!

I'm on metered parking time and have an email to write so I'm outa here. I hope you all haven't given up on me. I'll be back in the swing soon. Take care!! Internet withdrawals suck!

Monday, June 28, 2004

Shared Reality

A friend recently made a comment; as genuine and well meaning as it was; It's caused me to do some soul searching about the reason for these Chronicles. The meaning of the quote is one of perception. His was of good intentions. My perception of it needs a bit of examination ... Or as I've learned in Com 101 "perception checking" to clarify it's meaning.

In light of it, I wish to impress upon you that the purpose of these Chronicles is not to express adversities that are so horrible that obstacles in your life may seem mundane and easier to overcome. It's purpose is not to point out that my life has been so much more tainted than anyone else's.

These articles have been almost therapeutic for me. The times depicted in them; these times in my life, are times when I was the most alone in the world and felt that the world was directing it's cruelties only upon me. Since I've been writing these Chronicles I've made valuable discoveries.

I have never met an adult who has not experienced the death of someone close to them; I've never met anyone who was not hurt by a failed relationship or lost love; I've never met a parent who did not fear or have felt the pain of losing a child to death or custody battles.

This, as a human race, is our shared reality. Emotions are the major component in that equasion. The existence of minds and hearts link all of us together through the universal effect of all human emotions. For example ... Billions of dollars are made by companies who, through advertisements, target our emotional responses. When a campaign works, it works because all human kind can relate to it through a shared reality.

I've had a lot of great comments about these Chronicles from the few readers I have because these ideas attatch themselves to that shared reality; they diminish that feeling that we are alone in the world with our thoughts and emotions. And that even our perceptions are not all together unique.

The purpose of the Perception Chronicles is to eliminate that feeling of "the world is against me" and to create a "community" where it becomes "us conquering the world" by opening minds to new ways of seeing things; or an over all understanding that "this experience is not only happening to me."

More on this subject in later posts ...

That's how I see the world; how do you see it?

Saturday, June 19, 2004

The Shackled Bliss of Solitude (Updated 3/31/06)

It's not, in relating a portion of my life, that I feel it makes a great story ... because it doesn't. My hope is to derive from it some insight value.

Entering my first real relationship in the year following my high school graduation, intrinsic to teenage boys, I had a hard time keeping my pants on. A few months later she was pregnant, and just as intrinsic to teenage boys ... I ran; for the first half of the pregnancy I ran. I refused to "believe" that the baby was mine, refused to acknowledge my actions and I hid from accepting responsibility for my choice.

I'm not clear on what monumental force finally persuaded me to pull my head out of that dark place; I do remember, reflecting on my parents divorce when I was 8, thinking that it would be insanely unfair to deny this child the one thing that I had always needed. Much of my childhood was spent wondering what I had done to make my father leave, not knowing or understanding why I didn't have a dad like other kids. This was my baby girl and I am her father.

Regardless of how scared I was, Nikki was a responsibility that I just couldn’t run from. All that it took was one touch of her little hand and I fell in love with her. My resolution then was simple; I couldn't wish for anyone, especially my own child, to live life without a dad or without parents who held an amount of affection for each other.

I made a promise then, a promise that was never mine to make, a promise to my children that they would always have a father. This relationship lasted three years; we never married.

Six months later I met Katurah. I may be sued someday for mentioning names. Just seeing her name in print engulfs me in a black tide of regret. I had found my best friend. I was "in love." One year later we were married; three apartments later we had a home ... Our home! A split level, four bedroom, two bathroom home with a one acre lot that we transformed into a "park." I had always wanted to have a home in the middle of a park. Seven years into the marriage people still asked if we'd just met. The spark in our eyes was growing. I had the life that I believed was always out of reach for me. I knew real happiness; consumed by it. This relationship lasted 10 years.

"Only a moment when you have 100 years to live." Five for Fighting.

The child support obligation became compounded with the divorce; support for my youngest two boys took effect and for six months, July to Dec of '99, I lived in my car, parking it where I could. My "rent" consisted of $100 a month in gas money since I had to keep the car running at night for heat. Then the apartment hopping began. I'd save enough for first and last months rent and deposit; move in; then two months later when I couldn't make rent I was back to my car while I built up another savings. Eventually Pay from a series of second jobs started coming in and I held an apartment for the remainder of the following year.

Through the denseness of that time, my body ached for a bed, my psyche ached for companionship, and my heart ached for my kids. I missed them so much that holding on to that apartment was the essence of all that I lived for.

A few years into my solitude I'd found a great friend. She's my age; never been married; and successful; MA, BA, and MFA degrees ... being 34, female and single people question that; not that it really needs to be; people like to talk and create conflict in others' lives to make up for the insignificance of their own. I mention her in lieu of other friends because she, oddly to me at the time, honestly had no interest in a relationship. To her the best kind of relationship would be a man who has his own home to go to across town. My perception was "why would you want to choose to be alone?"

In light of two relationships ... the first saturated with fighting; the second; the last year was silent oblivion; and relationships since have seen their share of tension ... I've gained valuable insight from my friends position. Some of us are alone because we've been alone too long. Having a man in her life now would disrupt her serenity. And for some of us; we are alone because we haven't been alone long enough. Always having someone in my life disabled my ability to realize my identity; disabled my ability to derive some strength and stability in knowing that I don't have to have someone in order to simply survive. I have to find that stability with my self and find happiness in being alone if I ever hope to make another person happy in the future.

For someone who's had little experience with being alone, It's very difficult. The loneliness and depression can, at times, be very intense. On one hand I "push" friends away or forgo making any because, as life has taught me, any relationship is unstable and may not last. On the other hand my life seems so worthless without that other person to build my world around and friends Bar-B-qing in the back yard. Not because I have to have that, but because that's the way I was raised; to believe that a broken family was miserable; that not having a wife and kids was an incomplete life. I believed that "The best part of me ... is someone else." That may seem highly pathetic, though for better or worse, that's who I am. Since childhood I can't say that I know the bliss or comfort in being alone. Until my divorce I'd never experienced it as an adult. I loved it as a child, but what child doesn't like their solitude?

I had made a transition from social isolation to social dependent, a stage in my life where my shyness has become the fuel of my depression and self-destruction. However, I do have a sense now that I will not grow as a person without a portion of my life spent where the best part of me is actually ... me; inasmuch as I have to learn to be comfortable with that.

"The most valuable of all education is to make yourself do the thing you have to do, whether you like it or not." Author unknown.

Society has changed the meaning of being alone since I was a kid. Many people hold onto their relationships for as long as they can even if love never has been or no longer is a factor. And some cling to abusive relationships out of fear of loneliness, leading me to believe that the power of loneliness is much stronger than the power of physical or emotional pain.

So ... is it conceivable that some of us are simply not capable of being alone; that we can't emotionally function and we settle to save ourselves from being alone? Is that a detriment to our character if so?

It's silent chaos for me. It's a constant internal tempest between loneliness and an unwillingness to put myself in a position to ever again love someone so much that my world crumbles when it's over. Though ... I wouldn't have wanted to live life without having experienced that kind of love; and the children that were born of it. Solitude then becomes a blessing and a curse; a peaceful resort; a prison with no bars.

My actions and choices are as much or more at the source for this end as misfortunes and fate. I live with them ... and very slowly I learn from them.

That's how I see it; how do you see the world?

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Path of Resistance (Updated 6/15/04)

For anyone who's ever been inside of a Circuit City store, you'll recognize right away the signature red tile walkway that encircles the show room. It's part of my job to take care of that and when it comes to stripping the wax off and recoating it ... it demands 24 hours of direct time.

With only 2 hours per day of customer free, closed store time to work on it, the process could take nearly a month to complete. In that length of time and given the amount of traffic the store generates, the first sections that I've completed would be substantially worn by the time I've finished the full squared circle. So ... I have to find a way to do it in a shorter time frame. Closer to one week.

Being new to this kind of work, I fool heartedly chose to try to do small 5 Ft sections throughout the work day. If I block off the area well with wet floor signs, etc. my boss also agreed that this was a viable solution.

I took great measures to envelope my 5 Ft work sections with signs, and several mop buckets which I placed the mop handles in a fashion to block the way through the section. Then I slopped on the stripping chemicals and began scrubbing with a long handled deck brush. Now ... This chemical mixture looks like soapy water, although this stuff is so slippery it will put you down faster than Mike Tyson. I liken it to crude oil on a hockey rink.

So ... To recap the big picture ... I have a 5 Ft area completely secluded by signs, buckets and handles running between them ... I'm in the center of this section scrubbing the slippery substance around.

And then it happens and all I can do is stand stupefied as the event unfolds.

A customer approaches with a puzzled look on his face. He stops for a moment. I say hello. He nods a hello back and then proceeds to push a mop bucket out of the way, squeeze by it and tip toe through the work section. Mind you; taking an isle to the left or right to get around me would have only been a 12 foot trek, though the eager shopper didn't even consider an alternate route. His puzzled expression was clearly a contemplation of his dilemma to get "through" me, not ever considering how to get "around" me.

I replaced the mop bucket and resumed working in utter amazement as another customer and later a Circuit City Sales Person both act in the same manner. As bewildered as I was I resolved to shout out a warning to anyone who was to even approach the area. I felt very awkward about doing so ... As if I was questioning or doubting their intelligence, although as the day progressed that's exactly what needed to be done; even with my verbal warnings, six more customers and two more employees still took time to contemplate how to squeeze through the slippery brew rather than find an alternate path around. Very seldom was an alternate path even considered an option. Short of closing the area off with crime scene tape, I couldn't keep people from walking through it. Even on the return trip out of the store they pushed through.

I've always seen the logic in the idea that it's human nature to find and take the easiest path. Though I learned to challenge that theory this day. It's not the easiest path we want. These people wanted the quickest path regardless of the signs, my warnings, and the risks to their safety.

Why do we choose the quickest path ... Even if that path isn't always the safest for us?

The question intrigues me because this phenomenon occurs in several other areas of life ... Consider boys/men and sex, dieters trying to make the weight, Corporate workers who want to be at the top without climbing the ladder, drivers in any city in America, anyone who considers flying as an option in this terroristic time, or even a writer so eager to be published that he self-publishes, with out pay, on an online blog. And the list grows from there.

I don't believe it's necessarily about stupidity, as much as that seems to be the case. Tunnel vision, narrow mindedness, ignorance or maybe just plain laziness? Or could there be more to human nature? Could we think so deeply that issues like taking a longer route are simply mundane to us?

I've been prone to be a victim of it. At times simply getting to where I need to go overrides all sense of rationalization and when put into that mode of thinking; the theory that humans are generally lazy doesn't really work because the brain will work very hard at figuring out how to get through an obstacle instead of around it even though going around, in the long run, may be less work; albeit take a little more time. At other times I'm so deep in thought over something that I simply don't see another path. Compared to the issues on my mind, going around is so minute, so mundane that I can't even see it as an option.

The logical idea that we should get is ... "when you come to an obstacle; evaluate the situation and look for alternatives." Most of us just don't have the time for evaluation. Or for some, that evaluation may be just as mundane as going around. So ... If we consciously consider ahead of time; after all we know obstacles are out there waiting for us; that there are other options available than straight through, then maybe in time our minds will automatically search for and possibly see monumental benefits in choosing the alternate path.

My journaling buddy and I have written a lot about the "benefits" of getting lost in a society where people don't have time to get lost. She and I have both decided that getting lost once in a while is when you see the best stuff; stuff that we usually take for granted. So take that 12 foot isle to get around ... You might find a technological trinket that you can't live without. Take the wrong exit or drive down a road you've never been. Make a decision in your life that you wouldn't normally make. The quickest path is not the best path! The quickest path offers no growth, retrospect, or excitement. Get lost once in a while, physically, emotionally, literally ... What you find may be amazing.

That's how I see it. How do you see the world?

Monday, May 24, 2004

More Mind Numbing Perceptions of Me

I've set up a journal blog for my mindless thoughts. The link is under the Perceptions of Me to the right.

Hope to see ya there!

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Contortion of Fear (Updated 6/13/04)

"You have to challenge yourself. And it's how you go through the challenges - the ones that threaten your life a bit, that determine weather you grow and learn as a person. You have to go out and live the possibility of failure and not fear that."

Nick Nolte

Within that quote lie the plague and the cure. We are all so consumed by fear ... everything we are, everything we do ... hinges on our ability to master it or the power that it has over us. The fear to act or sometimes the fear not to, shackles our ability to think, and in most cases, our fear becomes overwhelming and debilitating. Fear keeps us from asking out that beautiful girl, it keeps us from loving again after the loss of a spouse or a child, and it keeps us from taking action in our lives and leaves us to reside in mediocrity.

I'm suffocating in this town; do I give up a decent paying job to possibly start over at $8 an hour somewhere else while I find myself. Do I sell my home here and risk being homeless again if things don't work out? A fear that if I actually make something of my self at 34 that i'll be consumed with regret because I did nothing about it sooner. Do I ever marry again and put myself in a position to lose the love of my life 5, 8, or 10 years later? Do I love anyone, fearing that love just doesn't last? The fear of starting over again locks those thoughts away and we fail to act upon any of them.

Will we ever take a chance on really living life if we are scared to death that we won't succeed?

As the fear builds we become "comfortable" to just settle for what we have ... for what our life is right now, and we discard any thoughts of what our life could ever be. In light of that ...

Do we have to accept fear in our lives to not be afraid of it?

Fear will continue to exist as long as our minds fuel it with our distorted perceptions of things. Perceptions that may have been instilled from very early in life. As human nature dictates, perceptions of what to be afraid of are as hard to change as life long habits. Although, if a smoker of 30 years can quit smoking ... then, theoretically, we can stop being controlled by fear.

A good start is to know your fears ... their strengths and weaknesses. What are you honestly afraid of? What fear lies beneath that? And what fear lies even deeper, beneath that one? We have to dig as far as we can to find that source as our fears tend to layer on top of each other. Then ask yourself ...

"what is the consequences to us if we don't act upon and over take that base fear?"

I didn't take that better job out of pure fear of failing, and my family suffered with a less that comfortable life. I didn't make that move to Boise out of pure fear of starting over with nothing, and now I'll never know if there is more to life outside of this hick town.

I don't ever want to know the consequences of my inability to take action in my life based entirely on fear; though it will always be something I'll experience, because my fears are so powerful. Until I master them, I will become them.

That leaves a burning, sometimes painful question unanswered. Is allowing fear to drive us ... is settling for a mediocre life contorted by fear; enough consolation for the possibilities and potential that we may sacrifice if we don't face it?

Regardless of how you ask that question the answer will always be ... no!

That's how I see it. How do you see the world?

"Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal.
But lately I am beginning to find out that I should be the one behind the wheel.
... It's driven me before and it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself my light is found."
Incubus "Drive"

Harlan Ellison Quote from May 2204 issue of Writer's Digest

"But basically, it sounds as if you still have no fear?" WD

"I guess that's my curse. As Spider-Man says, 'With great power comes great responsibility.' In my case, with fearlessness comes great stupidity. I'm just not afraid of things. There's nothing anybody could do to me that would make me afraid.
People do things out of fear. They'll lose their job, their rep will be ruined, no one will love them, their family won't be able to eat, blah, blah, blah.
Those are exactly the usual fears that society uses, and has always used, to keep you in line, to keep you doing things you don't want to do, to shame you into political correctness and conformity in a job you don't like, in a relationship you can't stand, terrified that if you don't worship and think exactly as you're told, you'll go to hell or, worse, never get that autographed photo of Jerry Falwell.
Cursed or blessed, I've never had those paralyzing fears. I've been on my own since I was a kid, on the road at age 13, and I bypassed all the early middle-class crap that programs us to be shivering, rationalizing chickenhearts. I have no fears.
I'm not a firebrand - I'm just too lumpen to have fear. You can't allow yourself to be frightened, not if you want the writing to have heat and reason and passion."

Thursday, May 06, 2004

Mortal Affliction

"Sometimes in our lives we face "issues" clearly defined and difficult ... death, sickness, financial reversal, the abuse of a family member. But, often just as trying, is the long, tedious, wearing down of every day. The job that needs to be constantly redone, the relentless undoing of our dreams. All the things that work away at us may dim our intentions. We mean to be steady ... and instead we dry up under pressure like a river in Arabia."

Maurine Proctor

It's a complexity that every one of us becomes susceptible to at some point in our lives. For a time we all become caged and spend life in the "solitary confinement" of an invisible box; sometimes just going through the motions; always feeling as if you've just woke up and can't shake the cob webs from your head. How long this period lasts for us determines if we are ... in fact ... depressed. (Such an evil word.)

At what point do we banish pride and finally admit to ourselves, let alone to others, that we are honestly depressed? When the job we do doesn't fulfill us? When we leave the building after a work day and feel like you can't remember the last time you saw the sun? When the relationship we are in (or lack of one) doesn't complete us? When I am almost home and realize that there are three stop signs on this road and I don't remember stopping at any of them. ("Yes, I'm sure I stopped! Oh ... maybe that was yesterday.") When all you want to do is sleep and hope to wake up in a different life, or worse, feeling like you just want to cease to exist. Or when, somehow, there is a strange comfort in that vague oblivion.

"Shit happens! Deal with it."

That really is good advice. Many times it's just as simple as pulling our head out of our ass and getting over life. Although, what happens ... what becomes of us when our strength to "get over it" or the energy and desire to do or care about anything is completely sucked away?

Is this euphoria "curable"? Generally they throw pills at the problem to "fix you". And drugs are great! The blue one causes you to break out in a rash, the red one causes intense heartburn, and the pink one "can cause ulcers, hair loss and some sexual side effects." These pills that are designed to "cure" me ... depress me.

The advice is quick to come ... "Just don't be depressed." "Simply choose to be happy." "Find the right mate, get a different job, start over in a new town." Etc. I'll agree with the skeptics, depression is all in your head and yes it can be changed by simply changing your mind ... in the early stages that may work, but when it's taken hold It's just not that easy. Each suggestion, regardless of merit or sincerity, is its own brick wall, and in the greater scheme these steps won't "fix" us until we "fix" ourselves.

As empty as we are, as much as we wish someone would just understand and somehow help us, (or on the other end of the spectrum, wish God would just take us so that we could slap him up side the head for the life he gives us!) The only real cure is inside of us. No external remedy will completely correct our distorted perception of things. We have to challenge and change our perception of how we believe we feel.

When depression is engrained even the easiest questions like, "What is making me so unhappy?" are the hardest to answer because you honestly don't know. The frustration is so intense when you lose that ability and it drives you deeper.

People perceive depression negatively. If you're depressed then you're obviously unstable. That's true to an extent. Chronic depression could cause instability, but average cases are average people like your friend or your mother, and even yourself. Stable, well-adjusted people who know something is wrong, though they don't know what. And as silly as it sounds, depression is not something you can catch! I'm amazed at some people's phobias of things that they don't really understand.

The worst thing you can do is be complacent. Find an activity that keeps you busy ... that keeps your mind stimulated. My job keeps me busy for a total of four hours. After that I have to "look" busy. For $10 an hour it sounds like a dream job ... though it's not because that sleepy, disconnected, "there's gotta be more to life" feeling creeps up.

The largest help is to realize that you are not the only one who feels that sting. Chances are that everyone has or has had some symptoms of it. And never ever feel sorry for yourself or else the quicksand will only take you faster! I promise, if you do, no one else will! Use that energy for change, not for reflection on what your life is or isn't.

Am I an expert? Clearly not on getting out of the rut, though I've experienced it, I've survived the hardest part of it. I still fight it sometimes, though I do so with out drugs (prescription or illegal) and from experience, alcohol doesn't work either. I simply, slowly change my perceptions a little every day. That is the only thing that you always have the power to change! It may take some anger at yourself because the power to change your own perceptions will be the hardest thing you'll do. Consider driving in a straight line. If you make a small one foot change in direction, over many miles your final destination will be significantly altered.

If you're not suffering from depression but you know someone who might be, please don't help them with phrases like "just get over it, just don't be depressed, or why are you so down all the time." Etc. No matter how genuine or sincere you are, it will not work. It will make things worse because they will begin to believe that they are the only one with this "incurable" problem. That's a seed from which will grow the more serious forms of depression.

The ideal way to help is to give them your number and take theirs. Leave an open window for them to call you or you call them. And by all means talk about anything but how they are feeling. Don't ask them how they are. Concentrate on creating how they are your self. Be a friend, talk about anything or nothing, invite them to do something to keep their mind moving (stimulated) and they will be (feel) fantastic just because you made the effort.

"You either get busy living or you get busy dieing" Morgan Freeman in Shawshank Redemption

Life is depression! Your perception of it is your defense. Remember that ...

"The quality of life is not what happens to you, but what you do with what happens to you." RWE

It's also how you perceive and interpret those things. It's not necessarily about the worn out advice of thinking positively ... it's about managing your reactions to things to lift you over the obstacle. It's about calmly keeping your head above the water until another log floats by.

After all, without wading through all the shit, would the good things matter to us at all? Would we even be able to recognize and appreciate the good things?

Challenge your perceptions of everything. Look on the world with new eyes and things will begin to change shapes.

That's how I see it; how do you see the world?

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

The Writers Dream

On the urging of a good friend who is a wonderful amateur poet, this is my first attempt at the art.

The Writers Dream

They spent they're lives under a veil
of uncertainty, fear, disappointment
plagued by the omens that make them who they are
and dreams that make them who they will be

Finding serenity in the kindred
who know the same pain
enduring tempests that bend them

They reach for words that
contain meanings beyond meanings
stenciling images of their minds

Lonely in their quest
searching for others who share their vision
who find joy in the meaning they see in life

They are the ones who's dreams and thoughts
will shape an unshapeable world
together making the unreal plausible
realizing their truths as life

A select group of hearts sharing the same soul
a solemn soul with an intense story to tell
scribed into the flesh of many hearts
by nothing more than a quill and a bottle of ink

copyright 2001 Mel Smith

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

The Perception of Attitude

First Test Post

Why does our perception of how we feel rule our attitude? A bad hair day, maybe we were in a rush and skipped our morning shower, or forgot to brush the teeth. Maybe in need of a hair cut or you happen to be wearing your glasses, etc. You just don't perceive that you look your best and so you don't feel your best. That weighs so heavily on our minds that it affects how we interact with others. The perception of self consciousness overwhelms our ability to be ourselves or to be comfortable in our skins. And the more uncomfortable that we become the worse things get as we get nervous and start to sweat. Then we lose focus on our words and they come out with unintentional meanings, or completely void of meaning in some cases.